Trusting

I write so many posts in my head, often in the car on my way to work after getting the boys up and around, or in bed at the end of the day. Posts with updates about our adoption journey. Posts reflecting on parenting gone awry that God uses to teach me more about Him. Posts about the way God is moving in our family. But so often I neglect sharing our story and allowing God the glory through blogging sheerly for lack of time. But I think it's important. So as I watch Secret Life of Pets with my family, I share this update... :)

The Secret Life of Pets is actually what stirred my heart. (And let's be honest, one can do many a multi-task while watching a kids movie!) Once you enter the world of foster/adopt, in any capacity, your heart breaks at every nod to what these kids have been through. Have you seen this movie? Short synopsis: happy pup, happy owner, owner brings home new dog from the pound and original pup is not happy. He wants him gone. They fight to get rid of each other. In the end, it all works out. But at every word uttered that points to the pains of adoption, my eyes well up, and my heart falls to pieces as I look at my two boys in front of me. The dogs illustrate both sides of the pain. I think it will make for some good talking points in the days to come.

But this post is about the new pup. :) Also in the movie, there's this little fluffy white bunny, who's been loved and lost (abandoned by a magician), who's leading a group of human-hating, "anti-pet life" animals who have given up hope, live life full of rage, and avenge humans every chance they get. Do you see the parallels?
Loved.
Lost.
Rage.
Avenge.
But watch what happens when love is reintroduced... [clip]
Loved again.
Unsure.
Fighting.
And then remembering what love is all about.

But this fighting has been the hardest part. I scream in my heart "Let me love you, child!" "Trust me!" "This is good!" And oh the pain when he can't see that. Oh the journey that we have been on to restore this trust that comes from a loving family so that he can relax in the love of this family.

This boy who I speak of reads me a devotional as I finish typing. This is the end of it:

"We are built for love and joy- not for sin and tears.
The Bible says only God understands the human heart and how it works best - after all, he made it.
And the one who made your heart can also mend it."

Precious child. Loving Father.

And I hear the Spirit, burning within me through the heartache, "Let me love you, child!" "Trust me!" "Let me lead and guide you as you parent my precious children."

Thank you God for speaking to me and reminding me that it is You who heal the broken-hearted. Help me to trust in your perfect love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.

I've been struggling spiritual with some things for awhile. And I've been working through some "homework" that an elder of the church gave me. One of the questions to wrestle with is- Why am I afraid to be still before God? Quiet time is hard for me. For a lot of reasons. And as I'm working through these reasons one by one God is reminding me who I am to Him.

Recently, God has been teaching me to stay disciplined. That one of my biggest struggles with having quiet time is actually having quiet time. "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11. This single verse brings me so much hope right now. It acknowledges that my struggles are real and difficult. And it assures me that they are not for nothing. 

Today- which has consisted of sleeping in, quiet time, eating breakfast at 11:00, and doing some dishes- I can't help but feel like my quiet time this morning was not enough. I'm washing dishes and feeling I'm not giving enough to God. KLove is playing and I sing through some of the songs. When I here "Remind me, once again, who I am to you..." I can't help but run to the radio, turn it up, and just embrace my God who is calling down to me- "You are mine. You are loved. That is enough."

When I lose my way,

And I forget my name,

Remind me who I am.

In the mirror all I see,

Is who I don't wanna be,

Remind me who I am.

In the loneliest places,

When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,

Who I am to You.

Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,

That I belong to You.

To You.

I'm the one you love,

I'm the one you love,

That will be enough,

I'm the one you love.

God, thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for listening to the cries of my heart. Thank you for teaching me to stay in your presence and in your Word. Help me to continue to hunger and thirst for you. Amen.

Settled

My baby is asleep in his crib, in his room.
I can hear K-love over the baby monitor.
My sister is spending the night on the couch.
I am in bed. At 9:15. :)

This is how life should be. This is how I want my day to day to be. A house for people to stay at. A sleeping baby. Nothin to do but chill out and surf the net. But this is the first night in I don't even remember how long that I've let myself just relax and do "nothing".

A year ago I was busting by booty in summer school to finish my Bachelors. After that, I only had a couple months to get ready for baby. Then not too much later is was time to pack, with a newborn... And since we moved in, I've been unpacking non-stop because we set a house warming party date. Almost didn't make it (had a few breakdowns) but we had a party! The house was presentable, even a little decorated. :)

And now I feel like I can breath.

I told Frankie that in our little apartment that we lived in for a year I felt like I was always having to rearrange and we honestly never really got moved in. With all of Moses stuff added in we just didn't fit. So when we were deciding on a house I told Frankie that I just didn't want my life to be about rearranging and unpacking and sorting stuff. Today I got to help a friend with her rummage sale to raise money and awareness for victims of human trafficking. A much better way to spend my day!

I can't wait to see what life brings now that we are settled in to our home, our new neighborhood, our city.  Here's to game nights with friends, dinners with family, and all sorts of adventures! Thank you Jesus for this next chapter.

HELP WANTED

I wish you all could live inside my head. But just the part where I write the blog posts. Or maybe just one person who stays there and gets the posts out that I write. Yeah, like a little roboty guy. I wish he could post my Help Wanted ad on Craigslist for me.

Day 9,151

I believe in second chances, do-overs, and forgive and forget. We mess up a lot. And we don't really deserve second chances but out of grace we allow them. For others and for ourselves. And that's all dandy but really you can't just push a restart button on life. There's no going back. Each day counts. And when it's done, it's done.
I want to start a new chapter but I can't call it Day 1. Nope. My Day 1 was May 7, 1988. A hot and humid day in Okinawa, Japan. I can't say I'd change much about the early days (eat, poop, sleep was a pretty sweet routine), but since then there's been some mess ups. Some twists and turns. Along with lots of sweet times. Learning experiences. And life changing events.
But each one of those days counted. Each one of those days has shaped who I am. The events, the emotions, the interactions. Declaring a new Day 1 would declare all prior experiences null and void. Not going there. I am thankful for my days. Thankful for the road that God has led me down.
So today is my Day 9,151. I want to keep going but change things up a bit. Take what I've learned and put my best foot forward. So here's to today! Just the next day in my journey, but as important as every other day that was and is to come.

Speaking of the early days...














Yup, those were some good days. :)


"Never start over. Just begin a new chapter. If you keep starting over, you'll never finish your book."
- G-Vern 

Hello again.

I don't want to write about how I've been gone from blogging. Or how I want to get back to blogging. Or what I'm going to blog about. I just want to write. I want to share my thoughts with you and with myself. My blog is kinda a mess. But so is life. Here's to real.

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